"Better" is defined by the couple, so that's not the point of this post.
It always comes up in shows and all that.
"I want to find someone who loves me for who I am."
"I'm not going to change for anyone."
Or whatever derivative similar to this...
So somehow, I don't know... Hollywood or media or whatever, made it cool to be stick to your guns. And most of the time, it's fine.
But yet, in a relationship, I find that highly... unacceptable.
Now, I'm not saying any method is wrong. But rather... is something else better for the relationship.
For example...
Not so long ago, I used to be really thrifty. And I mean really really thrifty. I was living with my parents, I didn't need to spend money, I didn't go out much, etc etc. I didn't really love to travel. I didn't mind travelling but, typically I can't be bothered. I like to eat, but I find expensive food pretty wasteful, cos... food is food. I like to eat nice stuff but I find that paying so much more for it is a waste.
By right, there's nothing wrong with this mentality. It doesn't affect my parents and when I got together with my wife, there wasn't much issue living like that.
But I knew my wife enjoyed going overseas more than me, and she liked eating more pricey food, and eventually, I thought... relax la. Strike a balance spend a bit more everyone is happier.
Of course this is 2 way traffic. My wife also used to, and still does stuff that irritates me, but we work things out. Somethings are habits that can't be changed overnight, but I think it's important to be aware and make an effort to improve.
I think the idea is very simple. Is this relationship worth changing for? Worth improving for?
For some people, the answer is yes. For some people, they think it's not. That's fine, that's their choice.
For me, I think, there are some very key principles/values that shouldn't be compromised. Those should be ironed out early in the relationship. Each couple has their own set of values. If those values aren't aligned, then there's no point in continuing the relationship. I think it would be unreasonable to expect a partner to change a key value for another partner.
Different people have different key values.
Someone may think that he will forever be super thrifty. And he can set that as his key value, that's his choice. And if he gets into a relationship with a girl who wants to spend more, and her key value is YOLO, then I think their relationship will be very rocky even if they think they love each other a lot. Eventually, something will break, cos it's very hard to live with someone with highly differing key values.
So there's key values and then there's irritating habits.
Key values could be things like, how to take care/respect your parents, financial values, how to bring up kids, religion, etc etc. Could be other stuff as well.
Irritating habits could just be... not making the bed, not putting the dishes into the sink, leaving shoes outside of the shoe cabinet, etc.
If you want to break up with your partner cos he keeps asking you to make the bed when you're the last one who wakes up, then that's your choice. For me, even if my wife wakes up after me, I still make the bed, cos I'm OCD, she makes the bed sometimes, but I always go back and inspect it after that. So even if she leaves the bed unmade, I'll just do it my way. Although I would prefer that she makes the bed to my standards.
I know a couple who can't see eye to eye. And it's a key value of how to take care of the kids. The husband is very hands off, the wife is very hands on. Then the one who does more will end up feeling bitter and complain. Then the hands off one will say, "it's your choice to be hands on, don't blame me if you're busy."
I think this could/might have been sorted out before marriage.
It really depends on how they built the relationship. Did they discuss how they wanted to raise their kids? Is this a core value to them? Does the wife expect the husband to be more hands on? Was this conveyed early in the relationship? Did the husband agree?
But... their relationship, their choice. I didn't get involved.
However, I did ponder about it... I can't say the husband is wrong, cos it's true. If the wife wants to be more hands on, it's her choice. She shouldn't complain. But as a wife, is it fair for her to expect her husband to help out with the kids more? Yes, it's fair for her to expect that. So... can't say she's wrong too. So it really boils down to their relationship dynamics and how they handle their issues and how they communicate.
For us, we discussed this early. IF we ever choose to have kids, we both agree that one of us... ME... will not work and take care of the kid/s, we both don't want our parents to take care of them. I'm better with kids, she's not so good with kids. IF we have kids, I'll have to understand that I can't expect much help from my wife, cos she's not good with entertaining kids and keeping them engaged.
So what is today's post about? It's about changing to be a better person and working things out. Everyone has room for improvement. Somethings might not be wrong. Like my wife doesn't make the bed. But do I think it's better if she does it? Yes... For us, I don't bother too much, so I do it. But would it be good if she does it herself. Of course.
Or for me, I think that I've become a better person when I'm not so sticky about money. I live happier now, less stress. I save when I can, and I look for good deals when I can. I don't just eat economic rice everyday. Could I have remained misery frugal? Yes. But I think it makes both of us happier, (she's probably happier), when I'm more relaxed about my spending.
Or I've grown less aggressive in my driving. I don't speed as much. Some people may say, "I'm like that one. I enjoy driving fast." For me, I do enjoy driving fast and cutting lanes. But I think, that burns more fuel, it's more dangerous, etc... so I think... Ok, it's worthy to improve myself for that.
So... I don't think life, or relationships are about... "You must accept me for who I am, I'm like that one. Else I'll just find someone else who can accept me."
I think it's about continuous improvement. To find common ground. To change and remove bad habits which might irritate the other party, but it might take some effort to remove. But hey! To me, if it removes a bad habit and makes my partner happy, it's a worthy thing to improve for.
So I think, getting in a marriage or relationship isn't about finding someone who accepts you for who you are, yes and no... yes, it's to find someone who has aligned key values, things that die-die cannot change. But no, cos I think being with a partner is also about finding someone who will help you improve and also that you are willing to improve for your partner, and of course it works both ways.
It always comes up in shows and all that.
"I want to find someone who loves me for who I am."
"I'm not going to change for anyone."
Or whatever derivative similar to this...
So somehow, I don't know... Hollywood or media or whatever, made it cool to be stick to your guns. And most of the time, it's fine.
But yet, in a relationship, I find that highly... unacceptable.
Now, I'm not saying any method is wrong. But rather... is something else better for the relationship.
For example...
Not so long ago, I used to be really thrifty. And I mean really really thrifty. I was living with my parents, I didn't need to spend money, I didn't go out much, etc etc. I didn't really love to travel. I didn't mind travelling but, typically I can't be bothered. I like to eat, but I find expensive food pretty wasteful, cos... food is food. I like to eat nice stuff but I find that paying so much more for it is a waste.
By right, there's nothing wrong with this mentality. It doesn't affect my parents and when I got together with my wife, there wasn't much issue living like that.
But I knew my wife enjoyed going overseas more than me, and she liked eating more pricey food, and eventually, I thought... relax la. Strike a balance spend a bit more everyone is happier.
Of course this is 2 way traffic. My wife also used to, and still does stuff that irritates me, but we work things out. Somethings are habits that can't be changed overnight, but I think it's important to be aware and make an effort to improve.
I think the idea is very simple. Is this relationship worth changing for? Worth improving for?
For some people, the answer is yes. For some people, they think it's not. That's fine, that's their choice.
For me, I think, there are some very key principles/values that shouldn't be compromised. Those should be ironed out early in the relationship. Each couple has their own set of values. If those values aren't aligned, then there's no point in continuing the relationship. I think it would be unreasonable to expect a partner to change a key value for another partner.
Different people have different key values.
Someone may think that he will forever be super thrifty. And he can set that as his key value, that's his choice. And if he gets into a relationship with a girl who wants to spend more, and her key value is YOLO, then I think their relationship will be very rocky even if they think they love each other a lot. Eventually, something will break, cos it's very hard to live with someone with highly differing key values.
So there's key values and then there's irritating habits.
Key values could be things like, how to take care/respect your parents, financial values, how to bring up kids, religion, etc etc. Could be other stuff as well.
Irritating habits could just be... not making the bed, not putting the dishes into the sink, leaving shoes outside of the shoe cabinet, etc.
If you want to break up with your partner cos he keeps asking you to make the bed when you're the last one who wakes up, then that's your choice. For me, even if my wife wakes up after me, I still make the bed, cos I'm OCD, she makes the bed sometimes, but I always go back and inspect it after that. So even if she leaves the bed unmade, I'll just do it my way. Although I would prefer that she makes the bed to my standards.
I know a couple who can't see eye to eye. And it's a key value of how to take care of the kids. The husband is very hands off, the wife is very hands on. Then the one who does more will end up feeling bitter and complain. Then the hands off one will say, "it's your choice to be hands on, don't blame me if you're busy."
I think this could/might have been sorted out before marriage.
It really depends on how they built the relationship. Did they discuss how they wanted to raise their kids? Is this a core value to them? Does the wife expect the husband to be more hands on? Was this conveyed early in the relationship? Did the husband agree?
But... their relationship, their choice. I didn't get involved.
However, I did ponder about it... I can't say the husband is wrong, cos it's true. If the wife wants to be more hands on, it's her choice. She shouldn't complain. But as a wife, is it fair for her to expect her husband to help out with the kids more? Yes, it's fair for her to expect that. So... can't say she's wrong too. So it really boils down to their relationship dynamics and how they handle their issues and how they communicate.
For us, we discussed this early. IF we ever choose to have kids, we both agree that one of us... ME... will not work and take care of the kid/s, we both don't want our parents to take care of them. I'm better with kids, she's not so good with kids. IF we have kids, I'll have to understand that I can't expect much help from my wife, cos she's not good with entertaining kids and keeping them engaged.
So what is today's post about? It's about changing to be a better person and working things out. Everyone has room for improvement. Somethings might not be wrong. Like my wife doesn't make the bed. But do I think it's better if she does it? Yes... For us, I don't bother too much, so I do it. But would it be good if she does it herself. Of course.
Or for me, I think that I've become a better person when I'm not so sticky about money. I live happier now, less stress. I save when I can, and I look for good deals when I can. I don't just eat economic rice everyday. Could I have remained misery frugal? Yes. But I think it makes both of us happier, (she's probably happier), when I'm more relaxed about my spending.
Or I've grown less aggressive in my driving. I don't speed as much. Some people may say, "I'm like that one. I enjoy driving fast." For me, I do enjoy driving fast and cutting lanes. But I think, that burns more fuel, it's more dangerous, etc... so I think... Ok, it's worthy to improve myself for that.
So... I don't think life, or relationships are about... "You must accept me for who I am, I'm like that one. Else I'll just find someone else who can accept me."
I think it's about continuous improvement. To find common ground. To change and remove bad habits which might irritate the other party, but it might take some effort to remove. But hey! To me, if it removes a bad habit and makes my partner happy, it's a worthy thing to improve for.
So I think, getting in a marriage or relationship isn't about finding someone who accepts you for who you are, yes and no... yes, it's to find someone who has aligned key values, things that die-die cannot change. But no, cos I think being with a partner is also about finding someone who will help you improve and also that you are willing to improve for your partner, and of course it works both ways.
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