Special thanks to H for asking these questions...
Why I like these questions and put them as a post instead of just a comment is that I think many of us struggle with this or have thought about them, and if I reply as a comment then it's likely going to be missed out and maybe someone else may have the same feelings so I think it's good to share how I've handled these stuff...
As always, these are my own opinions and how I handled these situations based on my own experiences so... if it helps you that's good, else... just do whatever you feel is suitable.
Why I like these questions and put them as a post instead of just a comment is that I think many of us struggle with this or have thought about them, and if I reply as a comment then it's likely going to be missed out and maybe someone else may have the same feelings so I think it's good to share how I've handled these stuff...
As always, these are my own opinions and how I handled these situations based on my own experiences so... if it helps you that's good, else... just do whatever you feel is suitable.
Not sure if you shared before, but because i myself am going through this phase in life whereby i learn more about myself and it is not really in-line with whatever culture i grew up with. So there is a struggle to break free from that group. How do you overcome those thoughts? For example, like there is this part whereby i feel like i am a nice person and it is not nice to just walk away from this whole thing(they are really a group of nice people), yet i really dont enjoy it when i hang out with them, or do the activities they do. It is just not in my DNA to enjoy the large groups cause i feel to me it is like "superficial socialising", probably they do enjoy because they see it differently. I respect the things they do, but it really isnt me. I always struggle with the thought of having to regret the decision i make years later. (What if 5 years down the road, i realize it was a mistake?)
--H
I suppose there are 2 main questions here.
1) Joining friends and their activities
2) Living your own life and what if you regret it later
1) Joining friends and their activities
This is a pretty straight forward question and solution... from H's comment, I estimate him to be around 25. (I hope I didn't make a mistake in my assumptions.)
Reason being, actually, by 27-30 or so, these problems just naturally disappear for most people. Else by above 30 it should pretty much be gone.
For me, by the time I was 27 or so, all my other friends have gone on with their own lives, some have kids, married, all those stuff, we meet max once a quarter, usually less.
I have one or 2 close friends whom I meet more regularly. But those bigger group activities just naturally don't happen so often anymore. And when they do happen once or twice a year, I make a bit of effort to go and attend, even though I don't really enjoy the gathering, I do feel that it's good to have a chat with friends and how their lives are going. It's a quick way to get an update on 10 friends all at once instead of meeting them one at a time.
But... H has these issues currently. So I think maybe he has just started working or around that period in life. When friends all have new disposable income and little family commitments and they want to go out and play. As much as I would like to be a hermit, I also recognize that I need to keep in touch with most of my friends.
For me, for gatherings that I don't really like to attend due to the activity or whatever, I'll just not attend.
Then if I feel that I've avoided them for already too long, then I'll turn up for an event once in a while.
Like if they like to go out late and drink and party, but you don't like to... then personally, I won't attend... but maybe someone's birthday comes along, then I'll maybe go for the dinner and "have something else" planned for later in the evening with my imaginary girlfriend.
That's a simple way.
1) Joining friends and their activities
2) Living your own life and what if you regret it later
1) Joining friends and their activities
This is a pretty straight forward question and solution... from H's comment, I estimate him to be around 25. (I hope I didn't make a mistake in my assumptions.)
Reason being, actually, by 27-30 or so, these problems just naturally disappear for most people. Else by above 30 it should pretty much be gone.
For me, by the time I was 27 or so, all my other friends have gone on with their own lives, some have kids, married, all those stuff, we meet max once a quarter, usually less.
I have one or 2 close friends whom I meet more regularly. But those bigger group activities just naturally don't happen so often anymore. And when they do happen once or twice a year, I make a bit of effort to go and attend, even though I don't really enjoy the gathering, I do feel that it's good to have a chat with friends and how their lives are going. It's a quick way to get an update on 10 friends all at once instead of meeting them one at a time.
But... H has these issues currently. So I think maybe he has just started working or around that period in life. When friends all have new disposable income and little family commitments and they want to go out and play. As much as I would like to be a hermit, I also recognize that I need to keep in touch with most of my friends.
For me, for gatherings that I don't really like to attend due to the activity or whatever, I'll just not attend.
Then if I feel that I've avoided them for already too long, then I'll turn up for an event once in a while.
Like if they like to go out late and drink and party, but you don't like to... then personally, I won't attend... but maybe someone's birthday comes along, then I'll maybe go for the dinner and "have something else" planned for later in the evening with my imaginary girlfriend.
That's a simple way.
In truth, this is what it really means... if they are your friends it's not always about the activities that you do together as a whole big bunch.
I will usually just do one on one lunches with the folks I want to keep in touch with.
I myself fully feel the same way as H. I like having one on one lunches with some friends. But when they gather in a group of 10, then everything just feels so fake. Like they aren't the same people I eat lunch with. Everyone is trying to show what's happening in life or whatever, it becomes a show for the world to see instead of a gathering of friends and talking about life. With a group of 10, no one will say their life sucks. But if you eat lunch, you're likely going to have a more intimate chat with your friend.
This way, you get to keep contact with your closer friends, you get to know them on a more deeper level and decide whether you want to continue eating lunch with everyone or just select 1 or 2 which you are closer to. Then maybe once in a while, you give face and show up for some of their bigger gatherings.
So what's my objective here? I want to know all 10 of them, and select those I want to keep as close friends. Maybe all 10 will make the list, or maybe only 1 will make the list... you see, as life goes on you will lose contact with many of them, they will all have their own lives, their jobs, girlfriends, wives, children. And you will also have your own life in a couple of years. And time will be very precious, you don't want to spend time doing stuff you don't like, or attending stuff that's not fun or meeting people whom you don't really want to meet, so you will want to find out who is really worth the time and effort to build your friendship with.
** Side note, typing out this made me realize I have new friends whom I consider my friends. Especially from the freegan community. Cos... we don't judge each other, we just give out free stuff to each other, and some of them I chat better with others, and we agree to disagree, and if I have something nice, I usually ask them first.
2) Living your own life and what if you regret it later
Ok simple answer to this... you will never know.
It's like food you order at a restaurant, you see it, it looks nice, you order it, it sucks.
Life's pretty much like that, and we learn as we go along, and we have to accept the challenges and mistakes AND RECOGNIZE THEM EARLY AND ADJUST!!!
But I think we should focus on things that we know first...
This is what Amazon (the company) thinks... We don't know what is the next big thing. So let's focus on what we know.
People want things cheaper, faster.
Article here.
So what do we know we won't regret? We don't regret spending more time with family, good quality friends, probably studying hard would be useful.
What do people usually regret? Maybe choose the wrong career, study wrong subject, wrong partner, spending too much, taking on too much debt.
Most of the stuff people regret, you can either learn from someone else, like taking on too much debt, you can read about it and learn not to do it.
But like career, or studies, or wrong partner, there's no way to know unless you try, and if it works, it works, else life goes on, the world continues to turn and we learn and improve ourselves.
Even for freeganism, I did not know if it would work for me, I went in tried as much as possible, then cut off the stuff I felt I didn't relate to, then I applied the stuff that I felt was useful.
And that's what life is. It's a journey, it's not entirely like a complete-able RPG game where you can play a perfect game. Cos life is not linear, you can take any path and in the end, you still die.
So I think what's important is to enjoy the journey and not take it too seriously, not try to play a perfect game, cos it's hardly possible. Expect to make mistakes and learn from them. Don't try to define life too early in life. What it's supposed to be about, etc etc, cos you will change as you grow older. Things that you value now vs what you value in 10 years time will also change. After having kids, things will further change.
Sometimes you may change your values to suit your life situation, sometimes you may change your life situation to reach your values. And in truth, no one cares, the only person judging you is yourself.
Thinking back, would I have liked to farm my job for another 3 years and be more comfortably retired? Probably I wouldn't have requested for a transfer and farmed another 3 years. I think that would be nice if I could replay that...
But then I might never have learnt about freeganism. And that would be one of my biggest regrets. My mental state now is different from what it was when I was working, etc etc...
I suppose it is one of the fallacies of people who do well in their studies, cos I myself was considered good in my studies and I played a close to perfect early game. Good school, good results, etc. Just like any RPG, I thought, heck man, this was the way, I'm going to cruise through life, cos I got a good starting. If you got a good character roll at the start with good build you'd expect to cruise through the rest of the game right?
(Depends on what kind of RPG, story line or MMORPG, etc... )
Well... life's like an RPG in certain sense. But in this case... life's not like an RPG. It doesn't matter how you start, it's about how you enjoy the game, cos in the end, it's still game over.
You think that you can play a perfect game and get the perfect career, perfect boss, perfect partner, etc etc... that's just simply not the case. The RNG is ridiculously wide in real life and you don't have many shots.
So make mistakes that can be made, but try not to make mistakes that can't be made.
Like things that most people will regret, spending not enough time with their parents when they are alive, not spending enough time with their kids and not watching their growing up years, getting into credit card debt... these are easily avoidable so to take notice of them...
But stuff like career choice, company to work for, boss, partner, what is considered a true friend, etc etc etc. So many other things which is up to the RNG of life. Those you just have to embrace the RNG and make calculated risks and learn from it.
Or some people may rush through the game, you end the RPG, that's the end. But I think when playing an RPG, it's not about completing it, it's like you want to explore the world map or do some quests, build your character in some other way. Stuff like that. It's an exploration.
I played FF7 many many times. It's the game of my generation. (Waiting for the remake...)
And everytime I end the game, I feel a tinge of sadness. Like the story is over. Doesn't matter how many times I've completed it.
So even though I've played it many times, I tend to drag out the game, training, getting other items, collecting more stuff, etc etc.
Cos I know how my life is going to end. Likely in an urn somewhere.
But it's how I make the best of the game that's going to matter.
So I would say. Expect to make mistakes in life. Recognize that this will happen. But don't quit too early.
It will feel like regret when a mistake is made, but take it positively. Making mistakes is fine, the sun will rise again... most of the time. I find that... a way to overcome regret is to think... if I were to make the same decision again, at that point in time with that amount of information, would I have done it again?
Hindsight is always 20/20. Knowing what I know now, I may have done some other things better in the past, but I don't dwell on it, cos there's no point, even if I knew I screwed up, feeling sorry about it doesn't help things, cos it's over. It's history. What's important is how to embrace it, learn from it and move on and don't make the same mistakes again.
And no matter what I say, you will still make mistakes. Such is life.
And the interesting thing is... as I type this. I recall my past. When I was 20+, doing well in school, expecting to be in a certain job. I would probably have looked down upon someone like myself now.
But as I'm typing this now, I look back upon my 20+ year old self and I think... "you thought that you were happy then, but you never thought that you could be happier, cos you never knew what real happiness was".
And that's life, I was happy and "successful" when I was younger. But when I'm older, I let go of the things that I felt was valuable when I was younger, and somehow, I reached another level of happiness that I never even knew existed.
So don't worry too much about it, don't aim to play a perfect game, aim to play a good enough game, go and try new things, cos some of them will be mistakes and some of them will end up as good things and you will drop off the bad stuff and keep the good stuff and keep moving forward... well at least that's the way it's supposed to work, but if you stay still and don't get over the down moment, then every day wasted is a day out of that 80 year life of yours.
Hmm... I'm not sure if I answered the question correctly, cos H was talking about not hanging with his friends and maybe he might regret it in future. But I answered in a very general, life is full of mistakes, do what you feel is right and comfortable at the point in time and don't expect it to be a mistake until it confirms that it is a mistake.
** Oh and another side note, for readers who has time go and watch "Up in Air" by George Clooney.
It's a pretty good show about life and family and chasing things and stuff like that. If you can take the moral of the story back, it's a good watch.
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Did you like this post? If so, could you "blanjah" me 1/4 cup of my morning coffee pls.
Many thanks for continuing to come to this blog to read my posts.
I will usually just do one on one lunches with the folks I want to keep in touch with.
I myself fully feel the same way as H. I like having one on one lunches with some friends. But when they gather in a group of 10, then everything just feels so fake. Like they aren't the same people I eat lunch with. Everyone is trying to show what's happening in life or whatever, it becomes a show for the world to see instead of a gathering of friends and talking about life. With a group of 10, no one will say their life sucks. But if you eat lunch, you're likely going to have a more intimate chat with your friend.
This way, you get to keep contact with your closer friends, you get to know them on a more deeper level and decide whether you want to continue eating lunch with everyone or just select 1 or 2 which you are closer to. Then maybe once in a while, you give face and show up for some of their bigger gatherings.
So what's my objective here? I want to know all 10 of them, and select those I want to keep as close friends. Maybe all 10 will make the list, or maybe only 1 will make the list... you see, as life goes on you will lose contact with many of them, they will all have their own lives, their jobs, girlfriends, wives, children. And you will also have your own life in a couple of years. And time will be very precious, you don't want to spend time doing stuff you don't like, or attending stuff that's not fun or meeting people whom you don't really want to meet, so you will want to find out who is really worth the time and effort to build your friendship with.
** Side note, typing out this made me realize I have new friends whom I consider my friends. Especially from the freegan community. Cos... we don't judge each other, we just give out free stuff to each other, and some of them I chat better with others, and we agree to disagree, and if I have something nice, I usually ask them first.
2) Living your own life and what if you regret it later
Ok simple answer to this... you will never know.
It's like food you order at a restaurant, you see it, it looks nice, you order it, it sucks.
Life's pretty much like that, and we learn as we go along, and we have to accept the challenges and mistakes AND RECOGNIZE THEM EARLY AND ADJUST!!!
But I think we should focus on things that we know first...
This is what Amazon (the company) thinks... We don't know what is the next big thing. So let's focus on what we know.
People want things cheaper, faster.
Article here.
So what do we know we won't regret? We don't regret spending more time with family, good quality friends, probably studying hard would be useful.
What do people usually regret? Maybe choose the wrong career, study wrong subject, wrong partner, spending too much, taking on too much debt.
Most of the stuff people regret, you can either learn from someone else, like taking on too much debt, you can read about it and learn not to do it.
But like career, or studies, or wrong partner, there's no way to know unless you try, and if it works, it works, else life goes on, the world continues to turn and we learn and improve ourselves.
Even for freeganism, I did not know if it would work for me, I went in tried as much as possible, then cut off the stuff I felt I didn't relate to, then I applied the stuff that I felt was useful.
And that's what life is. It's a journey, it's not entirely like a complete-able RPG game where you can play a perfect game. Cos life is not linear, you can take any path and in the end, you still die.
So I think what's important is to enjoy the journey and not take it too seriously, not try to play a perfect game, cos it's hardly possible. Expect to make mistakes and learn from them. Don't try to define life too early in life. What it's supposed to be about, etc etc, cos you will change as you grow older. Things that you value now vs what you value in 10 years time will also change. After having kids, things will further change.
Sometimes you may change your values to suit your life situation, sometimes you may change your life situation to reach your values. And in truth, no one cares, the only person judging you is yourself.
Thinking back, would I have liked to farm my job for another 3 years and be more comfortably retired? Probably I wouldn't have requested for a transfer and farmed another 3 years. I think that would be nice if I could replay that...
But then I might never have learnt about freeganism. And that would be one of my biggest regrets. My mental state now is different from what it was when I was working, etc etc...
I suppose it is one of the fallacies of people who do well in their studies, cos I myself was considered good in my studies and I played a close to perfect early game. Good school, good results, etc. Just like any RPG, I thought, heck man, this was the way, I'm going to cruise through life, cos I got a good starting. If you got a good character roll at the start with good build you'd expect to cruise through the rest of the game right?
(Depends on what kind of RPG, story line or MMORPG, etc... )
Well... life's like an RPG in certain sense. But in this case... life's not like an RPG. It doesn't matter how you start, it's about how you enjoy the game, cos in the end, it's still game over.
You think that you can play a perfect game and get the perfect career, perfect boss, perfect partner, etc etc... that's just simply not the case. The RNG is ridiculously wide in real life and you don't have many shots.
So make mistakes that can be made, but try not to make mistakes that can't be made.
Like things that most people will regret, spending not enough time with their parents when they are alive, not spending enough time with their kids and not watching their growing up years, getting into credit card debt... these are easily avoidable so to take notice of them...
But stuff like career choice, company to work for, boss, partner, what is considered a true friend, etc etc etc. So many other things which is up to the RNG of life. Those you just have to embrace the RNG and make calculated risks and learn from it.
Or some people may rush through the game, you end the RPG, that's the end. But I think when playing an RPG, it's not about completing it, it's like you want to explore the world map or do some quests, build your character in some other way. Stuff like that. It's an exploration.
I played FF7 many many times. It's the game of my generation. (Waiting for the remake...)
And everytime I end the game, I feel a tinge of sadness. Like the story is over. Doesn't matter how many times I've completed it.
So even though I've played it many times, I tend to drag out the game, training, getting other items, collecting more stuff, etc etc.
Cos I know how my life is going to end. Likely in an urn somewhere.
But it's how I make the best of the game that's going to matter.
So I would say. Expect to make mistakes in life. Recognize that this will happen. But don't quit too early.
It will feel like regret when a mistake is made, but take it positively. Making mistakes is fine, the sun will rise again... most of the time. I find that... a way to overcome regret is to think... if I were to make the same decision again, at that point in time with that amount of information, would I have done it again?
Hindsight is always 20/20. Knowing what I know now, I may have done some other things better in the past, but I don't dwell on it, cos there's no point, even if I knew I screwed up, feeling sorry about it doesn't help things, cos it's over. It's history. What's important is how to embrace it, learn from it and move on and don't make the same mistakes again.
And no matter what I say, you will still make mistakes. Such is life.
And the interesting thing is... as I type this. I recall my past. When I was 20+, doing well in school, expecting to be in a certain job. I would probably have looked down upon someone like myself now.
But as I'm typing this now, I look back upon my 20+ year old self and I think... "you thought that you were happy then, but you never thought that you could be happier, cos you never knew what real happiness was".
And that's life, I was happy and "successful" when I was younger. But when I'm older, I let go of the things that I felt was valuable when I was younger, and somehow, I reached another level of happiness that I never even knew existed.
So don't worry too much about it, don't aim to play a perfect game, aim to play a good enough game, go and try new things, cos some of them will be mistakes and some of them will end up as good things and you will drop off the bad stuff and keep the good stuff and keep moving forward... well at least that's the way it's supposed to work, but if you stay still and don't get over the down moment, then every day wasted is a day out of that 80 year life of yours.
Hmm... I'm not sure if I answered the question correctly, cos H was talking about not hanging with his friends and maybe he might regret it in future. But I answered in a very general, life is full of mistakes, do what you feel is right and comfortable at the point in time and don't expect it to be a mistake until it confirms that it is a mistake.
** Oh and another side note, for readers who has time go and watch "Up in Air" by George Clooney.
It's a pretty good show about life and family and chasing things and stuff like that. If you can take the moral of the story back, it's a good watch.
<<PREVIOUS POST // NEXT POST>>
Did you like this post? If so, could you "blanjah" me 1/4 cup of my morning coffee pls.
Many thanks for continuing to come to this blog to read my posts.
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