I am interested in more of your specific thoughts on how to assess and decide whether someone is ‘toxic’ and ‘negative’. How soon do you decide and are you often accurate? Do you have some unique tips and practical ways of identifying these people?
-Kuriko
Kuriko asked a very interesting question and I'd like to address it as a post. Cos the answer is long and I think it's important.
As we/I go through life, I realize that the people I hang around are very important.
Values, ideas, mentality, encouraging, negative, positive, sucks my energy or gives me peace.
And I think it's important to find good people to hang around.
And personally, I'm quite strict about this criteria, cos it determines how happy I am. I don't want to hang around folks who negatively impact my well-being. Even family members. Cos they are a family member, they can even more easily impact my personal well-being and mental state.
Now, this doesn't mean I hate them, I just choose not to interact with them too much, and sometimes, their comments come with goodwill and they are trying to be helpful, but I may still avoid them, cos their mentality doesn't suit mine.
This answer will vary very differently from person to person, cos it really depends on the values of yourself.
So I'll get down to classification of the folks around me and as I get to know them better, they change status, move up or down the classification.
First, there are strangers. People along the road. I don't know them, they don't know me. Simple. Nothing to talk about.
Then, there are people I know, who are close to strangers. They could be ex-classmates, ex-colleagues whom I don't want to talk to. I know them, but if I see them on the street, I'll avoid them, or act like I don't know them.
And, acquaintances. People that I smile at, acknowledge, say "Hi" and walk away. Nothing much to talk to them. Could be neighbours, ex-colleagues, ex-classmates, etc.
All these above... not important, cos I don't hang around them much. I don't talk to them or have any exchange of ideas. It could be I never got to know them, OR I already got to know them, but I feel that their way of thinking doesn't suit mine.
The next category require more common values and ideas and outlook in life.
Ok, I'm in the belief that anyone can live whatever way they want. So if you want to pursue riches, that's fine. If you wanna be homosexual, that's fine. Anyone is free to live whatever way they want as long as it doesn't harm anyone else. I believe that everyone is born free to make almost any decision in their own life to improve their own well-being.
So I'll try to avoid less open minded people. People who say, you can't do this, or they can't do that, etc. They can keep their ideas, I just don't want to hang around them. That's all.
I also like to hang casually, people whom I can say anything to. So of course, not everyone can accept that. Or I can wear singlet and shorts to hang with them and they are ok with that.
I also don't like political people when I was working. So I mainly hung with people who weren't political in office. I may consider them fake.
And probably a whole string of other personal values and ideas. Now, each of us have different values and objectives in life. So it's their choice to choose how they want to live their life. And how you choose to live yours. So your value system will be different from mine. And the folks you decide to hang around with will be different from mine.
The next level of people around me are people whom I hang with a bit.
Maybe meet once in a few months and have a meal, hang for 2 hours to catch up.
Then there's the hang more often and can talk about anything and can say things in anyway.
At this point, it's just a gradient of closeness depending on opportunity and personal interests and values and how much we can connect.
The thing is... there's a lot left unsaid. It's not just about having similar values. Cos even if someone has similar interests as me, or some similar values, they may have strong negative vibes.
For example, if a person has interest to retire young, saves and is frugal, but highly political in office.
Then I'll choose to avoid them. Personally, I don't know if I can trust them.
One quick way which I use to assess people is... how often they smile.
If they smile all the time, I may avoid them. If they make it seem like life is good all the time, I avoid them.
Cos that's bullshit. No one can be happy all the time.
There's a time to smile, a time to frown, a time to feel sad, and there's the time to act normal, which is most of the time. If a person cannot show their normal self most of the time and keep smiling all the time, then... well... Personally, I don't feel that person is being real.
Life is not always good. Everyone has ups and downs.
Or there are people with good intentions. I have family members who try to advise me to get a job, live a whatever life, etc etc. I know that they have my interests at heart. But from my own point of view, their thinking is an old thinking, 50 years ago. I understand that they lived in that age and they haven't moved from there. I choose to avoid them as well, cos I don't want to keep hearing these ideas, and for me, I also don't want to keep explaining myself, cos they won't get it, and it take energy out of me to hang around with them. I love them, they are an important part of my past, but unfortunately, I choose not to hang around them too much. But a meal or family gathering is fine. Unfortunately, we both can't relate to each other much anymore.
I also don't hang much with people who are negative. That everything is not within their control. That the environment needs to change for them to improve or succeed. Once again, they are free to live the life they want to live, I just tend not to hang with them too much.
Overall, it's a range of personal values, vs other peoples values.
And it's not black and white.
Maybe some days my close friends are feeling down and they get a bit negative. But I'll still hang with them. Cos I understand that it's a passing phase of their life.
But if someone is generally negative and feels that life is not within their control. Or people who tend to say, I'm not that kinda person, I'm not like that, or, I'm like that one, indicating an unwillingness to change and/or adapt... Then... no thanks.
But once again, it's also varying degrees of negativity. I do hang around with people who say "I'm like that one.", and depending on the context, I'm ok with that.
It's really a whole range of circumstances and a combination of values and anti-values that determine who I hang with. Sometimes, a little of the anti-values is ok, sometimes it's not ok. Sometimes one value is more important than another value.
Sometimes, it's as simple as a common interest, but with no relationship with values.
Maybe I have an interest in watches, and I might hang around with someone who loves watches too. But this person isn't frugal, or thinks that people need to work their whole lives. But I doubt I'll consider him a friend. Just someone I hang out with.
True friends, I maybe only have less than 10, maybe less than 5. We share common core values, some common interests, we can hang with each other without dressing up.
I can't really define toxic in clear terms.
But I find the worst situation is when someone or a few people within a group are spreading their negativity to the other parts of the group. Or they require the group to "take care" of them, or baby sit them and console them. Someone who may need high emotional upkeep could be considered toxic... BUT that's to me... cos maybe someone else likes to take care of people. Some people are natural carers. And they enjoy caring about others.
Or maybe a bunch of people saying Singapore is too expensive to retire. Comments like these are easily found in retirement articles and such. And these people feed off each others' negativity, cos there will be one who posts that retirement is impossible, and then another will affirm it, and it snowballs and they blame the government and all that. BUT this is also considered toxic to me only. Cos maybe these people really cannot retire and they find solace hanging around each other.
So I would say, personally versus my own values, these people aren't open minded to change, unwilling to change themselves, and on top of that they spread their misery on others, and create a worse off environment (relative to my own personal beliefs) for everyone in the group.
Could also simply be a highly political person within an organization which imposes himself on multiple people or groups causing a bad working environment (relative to my own personal beliefs) where people end up trying to outmaneuver each other instead of getting work done.
Hmm... as for how soon do I decide and how accurate I am...
For me, I don't get close to people immediately. I tend to wait, watch and see how things progress.
So maybe I hang out with them a bit if we have some common interests, then as time passes after each encounter I get a better feel of the person, their values, beliefs, personality, etc. And I adjust from there. If I find that they are nice to hang around then I hang with them more, and get closer. If I find that overall our interests are aligned but our values may not align and the net feeling I get from the encounter is negative, then I try to hang with them less. So it's an on-going assessment of each other. Cos I don't think I'm the only one doing the assessment. The other party is probably assessing me as well.
Or maybe they change, or I change, and we drift apart, which I think is fine as well. Cos I believe that everyone changes in life, and we should respect each other as we grow, maybe we'll meet sometime again in the future and hang again, but maybe at this point in life we aren't suitable to hang with each other, etc. Cos maybe now some of them might be busy with life, with kids, etc. And maybe when we get older, we can hang again and go karaoke again like when we were younger.
I even have family members like that.
We could have been close when younger, then as values changed as we grew up, we grew apart, or I needed to be political with them and say only things they liked to hear.
Or the opposite has also happened. Where values have gotten closer aligned and we see the world in a similar fashion. Whereas when we were younger, our values were different.
So it's hard to conclude on accuracy cos everything is in a state of flux. How I look at it is rather. As things change, can I admit whether I've changed, or they have changed, and just move on from there and be happy that we once had good times and maybe we will have good times in future as well. Cos as people grow older, they mature and let go of certain beliefs and ideas of how life should be, or vice versa.
It's very different from a marriage, cos in a marriage we need to build our lives together, so we need to keep aligning our values and communicate a lot more. Whereas for friends and the people around me, people should be free to develop however they want. Or I may also be the one who changes as my mentality changes.
As for how I determine who to hang with or simple points which I use as a starting point.
As I said earlier, their smile tells how true they are to the world. I rather spend time with people who can act normal, neutral, sad, happy, a range of emotions, BUT on top of that, they also need to have hope and determination to improve.
Also, personally, I don't talk very nicely. I am quite a direct person. The other person will have to be able to take things directly. I find that speaking nicely, or directly, someone eventually will misunderstand anyway. So I decided in my life to speak directly and hopefully they aren't the kind of oversensitive person to get offended. So if they are easily offended then I also try to avoid them, cos I'll need to tip toe around them and be careful about what I say.
Of course, this is also a gradient. Cos there will be less close friends whom I hang around that I talk nicer too and present things in a better way.
Another way I determine how I close I hang with someone is... When I go out with them, or hang with them, AFTER such an encounter. I go home and think... Would I have been happier staying at home and watching YouTube? Do I feel like I wasted my time?
I take my own personal time very seriously. Time with myself, my own thoughts, is very precious to me. Now, this isn't meant to be narcissistic. I enjoy some peoples' company. I also enjoy time alone. But if going out or hanging out with someone makes me less happy than doing nothing by myself. Then... well... I rather hang by myself. (Not hang MYSELF, hang BY myself)
Or if I go out with some people then I have to be a fake version of myself to make them happy. Then depending on situation, or occasion, I may or may not attend. Sometimes also need to go hang with old school mates even though I don't like hanging with them, but once a year is ok for me.
The thing is... for me, I'm very happy with my current situation in life.
Except I'd rather be back in SG.
And I try to curate my environment to keep myself happy or positive. I'm very careful when I change anything in my life. Adding each piece carefully. Cos... I'm happy or contented. Any add-on needs to give a positive experience.
I can have 7 days a week happy, 30 days a month, 365 days a year.
Now... I'm happy doing "nothing" on normal days, and hanging out with friends on some days. So my days are considered fulfilled and sufficiently happy.
If I add another person into my life and it makes 1 day unhappy... is it worth it?
Now, of course nothing is perfect. Some of my family members upset me, I get into heated discussion with friends, etc... So out of 365, already some days are slightly negative. But overall, I enjoy hanging around these people.
So adding one more person... well... it's important to me if this person will be a net happiness when I hang with them.
I'm making it sound like it's a very hard criteria to hang out with me, but it's not. I'm not that fussy. I hang out with many different people. Some have contacted me via this blog and I go for a chat with some, and I apologize if I couldn't go have coffee with you cos I've been busy before my move to Paris. I'm ok with hanging out with many different people, just that eventually as I get to know them better, I may find that for some people, it's overall not fun to hang with them, then I just hang less with them. Doesn't mean I dislike them as a person. Just don't feel like hanging with them.
So that's how I handle the people around me. From a friend friend perspective. or from a work perspective. It's similar. I highly don't hang around political people cos they are tiring to be around. I did have lunch with different people in the organization. Some have become closer friends after I left. I have lost contact with more people than I have gotten close to after I left. But it's worth it, cos I take that as an opportunity to weed out the people who weren't really interested to hang with me and managed to find the closer friends who are good company to be with.
I feel, what's important is to be willing to move on when relationships start becoming more tiring than what it's worth. And/Or recognize when people change, or you've changed and maybe there are new connections you can make with people. Or connections which you have to break to move on in life and improve the environment around you.
Meet people, give them a chance, give yourself a chance.
I've eaten with some political people at work. During lunch they seem fine, like normal people, but they are absolute a$$holes at work. And I chose to keep them at arms length.
On the other hand, there are people I avoided cos I felt they were always too "happy" in life like smiling at everyone, networking all the time. But later in life, I found them more acceptable and I'm ok to hang with them and they seem more genuine when they are older.
Remember, just cos I don't hang with them, doesn't mean I hate them.
It's just... I don't really want to walk my path with them at this point in life, they are free to walk their own path. We just look at life differently. Maybe I'll change in future, or they may change and we can "see how" again when the time comes.
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