Usually, the daughter-in-law doesn't get along well with the mother-in-law.
Rarely I hear the son-in-law having poor relationships with the in-laws.
I personally think it's a mother thing. Cos typically mothers are protective of their sons and when the son leaves the house, mothers feel like they lost their son.
I think, it's pretty common in the older generation to think that the daughter is meant to be "married off" so the expectation that the daughter will eventually leave the house is already in their minds.
I hear of stories that usually the son doesn't stand up for his wife when "bullied" by the MIL.
Cos typically, we are brought up to listen to our parents and usually no kids stand up to their parents.
So when the MIL nags or tells the wife to do something, the son usually keeps quiet and the wife just suffers in silence.
Maybe it's just something different that the wife does differently in her own home, but after getting married the MIL starts trying to train the wife to do certain things certain ways.
And it might not be limited to the in-laws' house. Maybe the couple has already moved out and the MIL might impose on them, dropping by uninvited, or trying to teach them how to train their kids, or how to wash the clothes, etc...
In the new age, I would think that most couples would want to settle things themselves. Usually, the wife would want to build a new life with the husband and, any issues, they should settle it themselves. So how laundry is done, or how kids are brought up... I would think that most wives or couples would want to build their own families their own way.
I was thinking about this. Cos my wife has pretty good relations with my mum. They even go for buffet high tea together without me. So it's one of those things I never knew about until I heard stories... The thing about looking at the world through your own eyes is pretty much that it's hard to see other people's pain when it doesn't happen to ourselves. I didn't even know that such things exist. Aren't these situations just found in Korean dramas? So I never knew about unreasonable MILs til I heard horror stories and some of them are really really terrible.
But that's not the point of the post... I'm not going to elaborate on those stories.
Rather, I'm more interested in. WHY.
Why do sons not speak up? Is it the upbringing? Maybe since young he never spoke out. Whatever the parents do or think, he just goes along with it?
When I hear my female friends talk about it, usually they complain that their husband is not standing up for something that the wife believes in.
Like when they ask for the house keys. The son would just brush it off as "They are my parents what do you want me to say?"
Somehow, the son doesn't feel the infringement of privacy. Well, that's obvious right? They are the son's parents so he's ok with them. But they aren't the parents of the wife, so she feels the loss of privacy.
The thing about it is... I've never had this problem. Since young, we, my sis and I, were taught to think for ourselves. By a certain age, we were told.
You're grown up now, you know what's right and what's wrong, you need to make your own decisions.
--ERSG's parents
I don't know how much they really meant it, but I took it literally, so when I'm not happy about certain things they do, I'll just say it out.
And then one day, also when I was young, my mum asked me...
When you grow up and get married and mummy and your wife get into a disagreement, who are you going to side...
And then my mum said...
WRONG!!! You side with who's right.
I was like... WOAH... I can do that???
Anyway, once again, I took it literally.
I wonder whether she remembers it. Or whether she regrets it. LOL
The thing is, I've been pretty outspoken since a very young age. I'm introverted by nature. But when I think that something's not right, I'll speak up if I feel it's necessary.
So I've always taken my position as the bridge between my family and my wife.
They don't tell my wife to do things directly, they go through me first. If I don't think it's right, then I'll discuss with them myself.
Same as if my wife needs a favour from my side of the family, I step in to be the middle man.
There should be no direct communication or instructions on what to do between them.
If they want to go have high tea that's not instructions, that's just an appointment.
I do think it's a two way thing. My mum also doesn't want to bother in my life. I visit her every week so I suppose that's a consolation for her.
She has my house keys. Not cos she asked, but rather, cos, I've gotten locked out of my house before. I locked the padlock from the outside without having the keys with me. Luckily, my wife had her set of keys with her so when she got back from work we could still get in. BUT... my wife has a tendency to not carry her house keys at times, so we decided that it would be safer to always have a set of keys outside our place.
My mum has only visited me once with other guests during my house warming, and I don't think she wants to come very often, we stay at opposite ends of the country.
So I dunno... I've only heard really painful stories and I don't know how their family situation is and how the family dynamics are and everything.
I'm fortunate that things are all ok on my own end. I think it's a mix of both... as in since young, my parents are encouraging that I speak out and determine for myself, what is appropriate or not, next I also bother to stand in between as the bridge for their relationships. I can't imagine what it would be like if my parents by-passed me and gave my wife instructions without first going through me. I definitely won't like it.
But yet, this seems to happen in the stories I hear.
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